Chinese Work Ethic Sunny Fong

Men's fashion carnage etcetera in all its naked glory…

Category: Movies I Haven’t Seen

Rocky Horror Picture Show to someone who hasn’t seen it..

I went out to smoke with some goth kids during a live screening of this (ya know, where people throw toast and make inside jokes throughout the whole fucking movie) so I never really saw it. Plus, I was high.

I hate musicals so I remember trying to drown out all the singing. Let’s see… The movie begins with… I have no fucking idea.
There’s a show that has a bunch of people who dance in it. And people go to see it but the show is actually made up of a lot of dead people.
Someone named Janet is in it. And Tim Curry plays this crazy goth trannie who decides to do a big show to bring life back into the town.
Some people are murdered and Tim is blamed? There are also a lot of fishnets. And they sing “Tell Me More” or something. No wait, that’s Grease or West Side Story. Or Bye Bye Birdie.

I have no fucking clue.

EDIT: Oh! I think there’s a Meatloaf song in it that all white people seem to know the dance to even though it’s really the gayest song I’ve ever witnessed white people dance to outside of The Macarena. And white people like to put their ties on their heads when this comes on. Something about fanning and grease lightning? Oh shit, that’s Grease again…

The Shining to someone who hasn’t seen it…

So this family goes to this hotel for a vacation… This giant hotel. But when they get there, they notice that all these guests leave and they are eventually alone.
Jack Nicholson gets possessed by some spirit and goes beserko.

His family gets scared and spend the entire movie running around this hotel, hiding from Jack Nicholson.
At one point, Nicholson breaks through a wall and quotes Ed McMahon.

Then some midget appears and screams “red rum!” a lot but it sounds more like “red raaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!” Or maybe it was a parrot?

Pulp Fiction to someone who hasn’t seen it…

So two trained assassins, John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson, are out to kill this woman Uma Thurman and to receive a really big drug shipment.
The two go on this crazy adventure where they see a gimp being tied up in a den of inequity. And they go to a bar with Uma where they do the Batman dance to the Hawaii 5-0 theme song.

I think they talk about stuff like Madonna, sex and drug usage? Witty banter that inevitably “changed the caliber of independent films” being made after Pulp Fiction.

There’s some shooting, some blood and some more killing.
Uma Thurman gets stabbed to death.

Sixteen Candles to someone who hasn’t seen it

Uh…

There are sixteen candles… And these people have sex? A woman who looks like Sharon Stone and a guy who looks like Mickey Rourke…

Schindler’s List to someone who hasn’t seen it…

So Liam Neeson plays a guy named Schindler during the Holocaust who is a German… He, for some reason, has a list of Jews that are allowed to live? So a
“not allowed to kill” list and he had some kind of underground network of Germans who helped him save these people’s lives (or it’s a list of German people who are to be killed, I’m fuzzy about that).

He kidnaps this Jew woman and tortures her but it’s all for show so some of his German comrades don’t catch onto his real intentions to let her go. I think they might fall in love but he rapes her? I don’t know.

A girl in a red coat who is a reoccuring non-speaking character throughout the film is murdered eventually. Or gets raped. I don’t know.

Schindler dies and becomes a hero to the Jews.

Risky Business to someone who hasn’t seen it…

So Tom Cruise plays this business guy who works too hard. His family leaves for grandma’s house for the weekend and he goes crazy. And rediscovers his crazy side.
In the most famous scene, he puts on some music as he is changing after work. The music moves him so much and he realizes that he has been missing out on the fun things in life because he has been so bogged down by work. He decides to dance it out at the end of the day! And… at one point, he dances with a broom and gets spotted by a nosey neighbour or a pizza boy? I have no idea.

Da Vinci Code to someone who hasn’t seen it

So Tom Hanks and Audrey Tattoo or whatever from Amelie are historians who run around Italy to decypher a code in Da Vinci’s drawings. They find secret mathematical formulas that predict the end of the world in his paintings… And the Vatican is trying to hide the information so as they search for more clues, the Vatican send agents to chase after them.
But not to kill them but just to erase their minds.
I have no idea what happens at the end. I’m going to assume that it ends with them finding 99% of the code and there’s one more thing that is impossible to get.
And they probably make out at some point.
Mystery music. Fade out.

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