175 Things That Kinda Suck About Toronto – #36 – 40
36. YONGE AND EGLINTON
Happy couples. Office buildings. Corporate schleps running to What A Bagel! and Kitchen Stuff Plus on their lunch break. A poorly laid out mall. I guess the bars are okay… Oh wait, that’s Yonge and St. Clair.
Everything is more pricey up there for some reason too including rents. Walking to get to a store between Eglinton and Lawrence is hell on earth both in the winter and summer.
There’s something about the area that sucks the soul out of everyone.
Even the nickname sucks:”Yonge and Eg.” The only reason for this nickname is because people can’t be bothered to say the whole name. Whooooooo!!!
Yonge and Eg is like celebrities who wear nicer clothes than the normal city rube population but no matter what, they never quite reach that “classy” level they’re attempting to achieve.
37. HALLOWEEN ON CHURCH STREET
That biatch from the Star is wrong, yo. Maybe 6 or 7 years ago, it was a a great time with your friends. 80% of people were dressed up, 50% of people were REALLY dressed up. The most amazingly creative costumes one could find on Halloween night. Not a “sexy cat” or “devil girl” in sight. I remember a group of transsexual flight attendants and a handsome pilot literally stopping traffic to cross the street. Drivers honked, hooted and hollered. I used to get goosed walking down Church Street in my costume. It was always a hoot! Now, the street is closed off, flooded with a mix of costumed revelers and people who come down to watch us like we’re fish in an aquarium. It’s too crowded, dull and annoying to walk through. Frankly, boring straight people who want to see a freak show should stay home and pass out candy.
38. COUNTDOWN TRAFFIC SIGNALS
Has anyone noticed that some of them count down to zero and then stay green for another 5 -10 seconds (I’ve timed them)? So motorists slow down to a rolling stop, notice that it’s still green and gun it through the intersection. It looks so dangerous.
39. THE REACTION TO ROBIN KAY
Yes, the head of the Fashion Design Council of Canada got really drunk (and gets really drunk every year) and makes a slew of drunk speeches to Canada’s “fashion elite.” We have a fashion elite? Please. Robin Kay gets dumped on for staggering and saying such shocking statements such as “‘Fabulous,’is the only F-word they let me use.” Well, pin a rose on your nose! Cover your children’s ears! Fashion Week in Toronto is a bland, underwhelming and vicious cycle of marketing execs and Audi employees in abnormally pointy shoes (I’m referring to the men!). We take no risks, we don’t invite real artists to represent the shows and the after parties are all very corporate affairs where the lack of diversity in the crowd reminds us of why most Canadian fashion talent eventually move to either Europe or New York.
Robin Kay isn’t even edgy or wacky enough to garner this kind of negative press. I have to get insanely drunk just to get through some of the events.
If Robin Kay actually did a line on the podium at Holt Renfrew launch or maybe threw in a few young upstarts into the designer mix, our Fashion Week might be somewhat tolerable on an excitement standpoint. I mean, she stumbled and stuttered on the Mango runway. MANGO for fuck’s sake! Why is Mango, a large retailer, even doing a show? You don’t see Express at New York Fashion Week. Fashion elite? That’s just funny.
A real fashion elite moment: Calvin Klein’s cameo on 30 Rock.
40. TASTE OF DANFORTH
For some reason, we thought it would be fun to go check out the festival in the evening to see if we oculd score some cheap eats. It was cramped, badly laid out, filled with the wrong kind of people and the restaurant offerings were mediocre. We had to eventually take the back streets to get the hell out of there. I kept getting hit in the face and being pushed around in the crowd. 80% of the time, I was pressed up against a group of rude teenagers. It took us almost an hour to navigate through the strip to get back home. It was basically a nosh pit. *foooooooooooog horrrrrrrrrrrrrrn*
Food-wise, it usually kinda goes something like this:
“Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look, cold sushi that has been sitting in the sun all day. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look souvlaki. Oh look, the subway.”